Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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