I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
