somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
