im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
