i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
