i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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