I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
