help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
