i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
