capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
