update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
