now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
