You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
