Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
