Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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