decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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