dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My cat gives me a boner
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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