I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
if only i could text you this smell
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
