my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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