Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
