I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
