I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
