Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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