Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
