Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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