He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
