My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
