when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
