Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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