Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
