The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
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He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
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Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream