Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.