yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
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