i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
