I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
