hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
our cab driver is having phone sex.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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