My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
