Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
