We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
