i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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