Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
