Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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