It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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