I wish you could order shots online.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she told me i tasted like america
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
