Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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