we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
