Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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