if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
