i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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