I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
