Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
being pregnant is like rehab
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
