We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
