i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
