i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
