She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
