I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
