I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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