Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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