Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
